Saturday, 19 February 2011

Come at me bro

Again I have produced a turd who endeavors to hold a more relaxed disposition when faced with the cruel eyes that befall it when inspection turns its way. This turd was larger than it's predecessor likely in effort to place more emphasis on the message it gave the first time. To reiterate such a message upon disposal it calmly lay down and refused to be flushed staring at me shouting "you just don't get it do you". I can faithfully say like many a protest before it the message was made.

The Swamp

It is occasional that upon their submission to the world turds will affect the area around them, most often with the passage of time, however this was a notable one due to the colour that it had changed the water to. Most fecally affected fluids turn a dash of brown due to the particles of the beast itself dissolving within but this turd would have none of that.

In an almost operatic sense of environment it has created a swampy field around itself where it can lay and gaze judgingly at onlookers who can only gaze back and wonder about the marvels within.

Twin Peaks of Kilimanjaro

Once again I present another of nature's miracles in fecal format and once again it was spawned by another, an unknown submitter who left their mark perhaps to be observed by others but likely as the spec leavers do to impose some sense of importance on the world as these twins were gone with a single flush. It truly pains me more to see this than specs as it is the physical leavings of a sloth - observe the paper casually discarded into the bowl with no regard for whoever may more urgently need to make use of the facilities!

If only I was able to engage in some method of holmesian detection I could perhaps locate the offender and make them accountable for their actions! But alas until that day I must simply gaze in awe sometimes at the uncredited marvels of others and sometimes the despondent leavings they choose to present me.


The particularly sharp disposition of this turd had me thinking about the contents of caves around our planet and how the mineral formations which they harbour stand as monuments to patients. These items take many a year to be created and when they do reach their primal form a vision of excellence is projected to all those that gaze upon it. Turds to not follow a similar lifecycle as they are brewed and spawned in a matter of days so lack an appreciation for time taken to create beauty, it begs the question if we took more time to process our waste and more rigorously sorted through useful and not useful would we have a better appreciation for what we leave behind?

Collateral Damage

This installment demonstrates truly what occurs when one is distracted during work and attempts to multi task two items at once. You see to relieve oneself without the hassle of clearing the body afterwards it is necessary to be totally focused however this cannot be achieved whilst in the presence of another casually attempting the same task with no understanding of how it should be correctly achieved.

The resulting turd is chaos, a series of disconnected lumps which form no model and hold no disposition within the bounds of the throne which they have been spawned into. I am forever troubled by poos which compose themselves in this manner as it implies that I have let myself down and was unworthy of possessing such and incredible method for removing waste.

Sneaky Fuck

When this turd plopped out of me I was struck with a certain awe of confusion upon inspecting the package which I had released into the world, it appears this turd had escaped my vision as if to disguise itself from me perhaps out of embarrassment or fear.

I feel this embodies one of the most pressing issues within our modern society - the desire to have a perfect image and the notion that one is not worthy to be seen without possessing such a thing (embodied by the fact that it is a shit that is hiding itself). This turd perhaps felt unworthy to be seen despite considerable effort to allow its birth on my part. Indeed it struck me as odd however I soon came to realise that this could be the embodiment of courage also as this turd regardless of its appearance had boldly ridden forward into the unknown whilst staying back somewhat to assure me that it was in good health, well played!

Two Headed Sausage

This is what happens when you dont relieve yourself for a while, it was at least a week between my last shit and this one although once I looked down upon the installment i confess myself somewhat disappointed that there was not true awe waiting to greet me. A description of what culminated in this experience is what i shall discuss today.

If one does not empty the fields then the resident turds naturally become fearful for their lives - is the creator keeping us for taunting or is there true hope that we may survive and stay here. Alas such a fate has never befallen a poo. Guided by this fear particles of poo group together like pack animals assuming that basic instinct that there is safety in numbers - they meld their bodies together in hope of creating a vessel that will protect them however this only makes the fate worse and worse as it provokes the environment they exist in. This shit was deployed in one quick sweep, the inspection lasting a similar time. I noticed that this was less spacious than some of its brethren however it would not yield to its environment and held form upon deployment. For this it yerns respect.

In aesthetics it did somewhat resemble a two-way dildo, further emphasising it's tactical superiority over the surrounding as it had garnered the ability to attack two fronts simultaneously.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

The Snake

This poo is another case of the interesting aesthetic quirks that feces can profess. As you will notice this installation rather arcs out of the basin and pops its head out of the water - comparable to a snake sniffing the environment around.

What catches me about this is that the bends are caused by segmentation in the poo, where otherwise it may well have split off. Perhaps it is simply the stubbornness of this poo or the unwillingness to yeild that was bestowed upon it at the time of spawning but it most certainly speaks endurance.

Battlestar Galactica

I find stubborn poos one of the most interesting varieties. This is down to their unwillingness to be disposed and with that they are able to yield much power over the one who has created them, spilling over to trouble all those who wish to make use of the lavatory, eyeing all those who approach until its match is made.

Like many the first turd this was a found turd in that it was not mine. What is most interesting is that this turd rather hovers in its environment and is not of any great size (although being the width, were it to go longways it would be in trouble) thus adding to the testament of this great poo. There are 2 pics included - before and after flushing.


Reaching Fourth

This poo culminates the very essence of my shitting technique (this will be discussed in a later post). When I birthed this monster the feeling was only that of a minor inconsiderable slipping out from me, to the point where I was concerned that an invalid unworthy of being mentioned had fallen through. But no, a minor deity stared back expecting only recognition and worship.

Examining the turd reveals it is somewhat comparable to a horse penis given its aesthetic disposition, although a more fitting metaphor would be to make comparisons towards a king stretching out his hand expecting the lowly peasants to kiss it - reminding them that like us they can never be but can only watch.

Sunday, 6 February 2011


This submission was not of my own design, but that of another. Upon being informed I was taken by a wise friend to inspect what is easily a worthy contribution to this blog. Upon approach I observed the beast pointing out at me like rocket sighting its target and preparing to launch out at me.

We look for some time at each other acknowledging each other's presences, all the time the turd challenging me to produce something more mighty than what lay before my eyes. Despite threats the poo lay dormant like a submarine in water, a small field protecting it from the environment around it, the anchor sitting at the base locking it in position so the dreadnaught could eye the field ahead.

To truly describe this poo I can only think to say this "Vi Veri Feces Vivus Vici" - By The Power of Truth, I, While Living Have Conquered Poo.

Friday, 4 February 2011

Boomerang Turd

As I released this installment I was worried that it would flake apart and dishonour the legacy left by its bretheren. I gazed back and judged my anus' work only to be impressed that in the face of adversity my bowels had held their own. Sadly i do confess that the motherturd did crumple somewhat upon entry into the aqueous environment which it now resides. The discarded pips of the fruit were gazed upon with contempt after they relinquished their grasp upon covert existence, although unlike many a reprobate that has released before me, the specs yielded and removed themselves with grace from the bowl.

Upon inspection of the artwork it appears some form of discolouration has manifested itself towards the lower right of the poo. I am unknowing of what creature or beast hath caused this but it is most certainly a pertinent thought. I must also elect the sections of corn present in my poo, it seems that dabbling in such business has indeed paid off. Although I wonder - if such sustenance does not digest, for what purpose is it consumed?

Thursday, 3 February 2011

I Detect Corn

This was a substantial addition to the blog as it touches on two topics I have yet to address. Firstly the modification of ones poo through imbibing certain substances, the most notable being corn (briefly touched upon in an earlier post). A substantial amount of corn was taken before this poo in an effort to modify its complexion. Unfortunately the efforts appear largely wasted, with the exception of a small spec towards the top.

The second attribute is the mystery of the disappearing poo. I am of course referring to turds which disguise their presence by moving towards the back of their habitat, an interesting move once birthed as there is no visible enemy to attack or to retreat from. However maybe we are being deceived as the poos by themselves are extensions of us, created to go on and claim resources in our honour - as the front of the toilet is held the turd feels it is duty bound to venture fourth and claim for the greater good.

Defilement Revisited

Found one of these again the other day, I did in fact stop once again and ponder this turd - attempting to formulate some sort of reason behind leaving mere specs in the bowl, is it apathy towards the toilet or simply an unfulfilled sense of dominance that is perpetuated by the leaving of minor calling cards.

Perhaps it is neither of these but someone who cannot produce wonders of their own hoping to latch onto the fame of someone else or to denigrate those around them to make their work look better.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Just Chillin'

This installment of fecal art symbolises what I find to be one of the most defining aspects of relieve oneself on the throne - relaxation. I find that when defecating I am at the apex of relaxation, my mind stands at rest with the world and I am able to sit back and think to myself "Life is Good".

This poo embodies this in my eyes because of its posture within the toilet - it sticks up on the side not because it wishes to assert its position or power but because it is simply just chilling and being a poo. The head calmly sticks up out of the water coming to say "hello" whilst the rest of the body reclines on the basin as is leisurely sits taking in its aqueos surroundings. Added to this it flushed cleanly serving as a testament to being calm and mellow, showing that whatever your circumstances there is always time to sit back and have some me time.

Word to the Kraken

Once every hundred thousand years or so, where the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow there will be a poo that you must know. This is the very essence of this turd - like my reactions to the mighty cock poo I had to stare for a few moments and contemplate the notion that such amazement had come out of me. The release itself was a testamant to the greatness of the kraken in that it was so modest as to be produced not warranting my attention - only to imply it was 3 minor shits coming out of me.

I sat on the basin releasing one plop after another expecting nothing more than a standard uninteresting poo to be left in the basin - not worthy of my time, the though crossing that the poo would even be a mess, but no! - the kraken stared back at me and said "YES, I AM YOUR SPAWN".

The Spec

I hate it when i see toilets defiled by fecal discharge such as the picture denotes. It screams to me that the individual making use was too lazy to clear the remnants or felt that they excersized such control of their anus that they should be revered for it, even to the point of making a mark. This mark stands in my face attempting to sway me from using the device - informing me that another has already laid solitary claim.

The mark if anything denotes inadequacy to gain ones own through hard work and respect rather just to let luck and a lack of understanding pave the way for their life.

Friday, 28 January 2011

Short but sweet

Rather unimpressive compared to my last two submissions but I am committed to documenting all of my turds regardless of their status within the fecal universe. A jagged knife cut into my vision as I turned round to observe what had just departed from my anus. This installment was only a minor 5 inches (12.7 cm) however aesthetically similar to a shard of ice. A pool of sunny delight embalmed the creation highlighting its presence in the bowl.

I Am Harbinger

This turd was similar to my last in that it shared 2 mighty attributes in that it was of a mighty size and poked out of the top. However despite being easily flushed it made up with one key feature - it was phallically shaped.

Possibly borderline as awesome as the previous one although having said that I was truly diverted by the temperament and disposition of this installation - it sprung up out of the toilet assering its position in the world as if to say "i am here and i shall not be moved". I was if anything else proud that I had created such a stubborn silently commanding masterpiece.


I have seen perfection. People claim they know perfect from looking at beautiful women, men, cars whatever - our society is obsessed with the notion that we can have a perfect anything. On the fateful day i produced this monster I had seen the definition of perfect.

This turd was at least 11 inches long (28 cm), and was a perfect break off, tested with toilet roll and there was nothing. the tip was also poking out of the water as if to greet and congratulate me for my performance, sadly this is not shown in the photo.

The final coup d'etat over most other turds came with what secured this masterpiece as a champion turd - it would not flush. Not because it had blocked the toilet but because it seemed to have fused itself to the basin. In summary: No Wipe, Sizeable Dimensions and an Inability to Dispose - these are the tennets of greatness.

Golden Surprise

The first post of this blog must be an honorable mention to the unknown turd. This particular piece was discovered by myself after a drunken night looking for a toilet to be sick in. To say the least the very image stopped me in my tracks, i was compelled to document it. There was something lonely about this turd, it was simply left there (i did not test flush-ability) with only a small amount of toilet role.

Either way it was a phat shit, I mean the anus and stomach that would be required to sin this badly against nature is incredible. I fell this way as it was a mammoth shit that was corned with a smell to match. Regardless, I never found the owner. All memory to the unknown shit.

It Begins

Good Day people, my name is Neil (as you may have gathered) and i am starting a blog about my Poo. The precise motives behind this are still a mystery to myself but i hope that all those who read this will be equally diverted by its contents.